This blog is 80% Harry Potter, 10% Quotes, 5% OUAT, and 5% other.
And 100% Jily.
I’m in love.
It doesn’t matter.
I’m heartbroken.
It doesn’t matter either.
The boy I’m in love with broke my heart unconsciously.
I like to pretend it doesn’t matter.
I play volleyball. I speak Spanish. I want to learn Italian and Japanese in college. I’m hoping to become an Ambassador. I don’t like Mexican or spicy food. I have an aspiration to travel to every country in the world. I have some pretty amazing friends, but I don’t have the best luck with guys. I’m self-conscious, but then I don’t give a fuck. My eyes are blue (technically hazel, but they have enough blue pigment in them to be called blue eyes), and I have long, dark brown hair. My hair and my eyes are pretty much the only things I can honestly say I like about myself physically. I’m of average height.
The boy I’m in love with is tall. My head comes up to about his shoulder. He has the most gorgeous green eyes I’ve ever seen, and I love his smile. His voice is better than every song I’ve ever heard. He’s sarcastic, witty, intelligent. He plays volleyball and basketball. We met because I was managing the boys’ volleyball team last year. We tease each other. We’d be amazing together. But we’re not. I was so sure.
“Aw, they’re so cute.”
“Who?”
“Connor and Jessica.”
“Haha, they really are.”
“He just needs to ask her out already.”
“Real talk.”
/laughter
“So, why hasn’t he?”
/pause ”Good question.”
“Maybe they’ll just…”
“Hmm?”
“Maybe it just isn’t the right time.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know, forget it.”
I guess they just decided to be friends…
The thing about Connor and I is we should be together, and we’re not.
Our tragedy is not in that we broke up; it’s that we never happened.
I think it’s worse.
I’m getting okay, though. More and more every day. On Friday, April 20th, 2012, I, for the first time in over a year, had a day dream about holding hands with a boy, and it wasn’t Connor’s hand I was holding. This is I see as a major turning point in my life. There really will be other Connors. It’s completely like the Universe is talking to me.
From:
I’m sorry, love, you’re just not meant to be.
to
See? There really will be other Connnors.
It’s a nice feeling. Some part of me doubts I’ll ever completely forget Connor, or at least how he made me feel, but, in the end, that’s alright. Some day there will be another boy, and we’ll get along just as well as Connor and I do, only he won’t be scared. It will be the right time for both of us, and that will be that.
Believing in the possibility of a happy ending is a very powerful thing.
The courage to see and the courage to accept, that I have waited for nothing.
But he does love me, if not the in the way I want.
At the Spring Sports Banquet, it dawned on me. He loves me too. He cares about me. I’m a part of him just as he’s a part of me. Relationships take two. That feeling I got when he tugged me to him without warning was exquisite. That’s when I knew. He loves me too.
If you’ve ever been hugged suddenly, especially by someone not famous for sudden displays of physical affection, you know what I’m talking about.
Two of the hardest tests in life: waiting for the right moment and the courage to accept that you have waited for nothing.
Connor calms me down in a way that no one else can. He smiles at me, makes me feel like he’s happy to see me. We fall into an easy banter. We hug. We know each other’s families. We have inside jokes, nicknames. We aren’t nothing. We are good friends. We have a strong relationship. We mean something to each other. We are part of each other.
And I have found my peace in that he loves me too.
The right boy at the wrong time. Maybe that’s what he was.
But in the end, what I’ve got to remember is that there’ll be the right boy at the right time. And that’ll be that.
He’sNotEverything.
Mydisappointedlittleheart.
Ifoundmypeace.
TheCouragetosee.
